Voices

Can't you hear the voices?

Is it really only me?

Don't you hear the whispers?

Don't you hear the screams?

"Cut yourself," they tell me,

"Bleed so you can be free,"

"Split the veins beneath the epidermis,"

"Join us in eternity,"

They call me from the great beyond,

Where I know that I should reside,

I shouldn't have lasted in this life this long,

By now I should have died,

I should have taken the final jump,

From a tower high above,

I should have slit my wrists with blades,

In a hot, water-filled bathtub,

The bottles of death that sit upon my desk,

Should have been emptied down my throat,

The rope that lays in the garage, you see,

Should have already made me choke,

So these voices call me to them,

Scream and wake me up at night,

To wake from slumber and overdose,

So I can be gone by morning's light,

But my Dr. tells me otherwise,

Tells me the med's will make me alright,

But I know better, by now, you know,

I know they only make me lose sight,

Of the truth I know to be reality,

The truth that keeps me bound,

By my wrists and by my ankles,

I shouldn't be around,

I should be gone away with them,

Into the realm, whatever comes next,

I know they're slowly winning,

I know that I am hexed,

So one more pill to stop the screams,

One more cut to stick the blame,

Upon my shoulders where it belongs,

Hoping someday I'll be sane

Writhing

Through the blue light brilliance of a perfect morning,

Sterling silver splits the cerulean dome of the heavens apart,

Revealing a red-eyed sky that cinges and sears through my sense of security,

White hot and burning down my beautiful handmade world that is held together delicately,

By a false sense of hope and recovery,

90 days of fresh white blood cells pasting together to form a beautiful scar,

That screams at me memories of the euphoria of a razor blade's love,

Remembrance of that last syrupy, thick, intoxicating experience of severing all ties with sanity and reality,

And severing the flesh stretched over the expanse of my bones,

It tides me over for 90 days longer,

Until the burning sensation in my veins begins to simmer and creep up my soul,

Wrapping up my body and digging its talons into my face,

Locking its fingers behind my eyes and pulling my very will towards its own,

I writhe, twisted and demented, in pain upon the sparkling marble floors below me,

Screams roar upwards, from deep within my belly,

Feverishly howling like a rabid wolf for relief from this disease of mine,

That eats my self-esteem, my light, like a cancerous tumor that has grown out of my ability to control,

And as if posessed by some demonic force from the fiery pits of hell,

I place the blade to my wrist ritualistically in a calmed trance,

Press and drag, press and drag, press and drag,

Being an addict is so much fun....

Addiction

The needle-sharp pinprick of pain pushes its way into my brain,

Veins burning at the sensation of the sound of voices that berate me into submission,

A struggle, the rape of my innermost silent place where I hide from you,

Trying to remain locked away in my safe world where you dare not tread until it's time,

Time to teach me another lesson in the ways of addiction

You grip my ankles with such force that I am stuck in place,

As though I have been captured by quicksand in the dark,

Tears burning hot paths down my face and throat as I realize once again that you've come,

Come to bury your poison beneath my ivory flesh,

That burns so hot from the venom that you've injected into my body that I fear I will melt away,

Bubbling down into a tiny pool of humanity that turns sticky with ugliness,

Slow and slower still, over a period of days your disease creeps like a thief in the night,

From my ankles to my heart that explodes in a vast array of fiery hues of red and black,

Heart pounding from the withdrawl-like symptoms that make me sick and feverish,

I find myself wretching into the porcelain goddess, sweating and smelling of vomit,

Resisting to the death, your will that threatens to consume my own,

And more days pass slow and painful, like a cancer patient awaiting their final breath,

Until your infection reaches my brain where you take over my will and wants,

Placing the razor to my veins, I give in just one more time to you,

While you lay, so callously, rotting beneath the surface of my skin

Thorazine

Deep within this silent place,

Where the voices still talk but the thoughts don't race,

A sense of peaceful calm floats over me,

A nice little pill called Thorazine,

Anxiety was killing my patience and mind,

So they gave me a drug that would treat me so kind,

Now from reality I'm finally free,

Thanks to my lovely Thorazine,

I used to be creative, I used to be wry,

I used to actually laugh and sometimes I'd cry,

I used to have somewhat of a personality,

But that's all gone thanks to Thorazine,

I can admire the world from my little park bench,

I owe it to the bitches at Smith, Kline and French,

My life is now just an unlivable dream,

Now that they've put me on Thorazine,

So if you would like to lose you self respect, humour and light,

Just get on this pill and everything will be alright,

You'll love being a dummy with no human emotion, you see,

And you too can owe your stupefaction to Thorazine

Graveyard Goodbye

Pale-faced and empty-eyed,
I watched you muddle through your life,
The day-to-day was growing old,
Complacency had filled your bones,
That slowly clinked and clanged together,
Beneath the skin you loved to sever,
The bluish-grey of that rainy morning,
Had come too fast with too little warning,
When they told me you had gone away,
To another place to permanently stay,
Your pale face now cold as winter's ice,
Your empty eyes no longer showing life,
What's it like where you have gone?
Does the sun like to shine all day long?
Or is it a velveteen soft black sleep?
How does it feel to never need to weep?
Do you think of me at any point in your day?
Or have you forgotten us all from this place?
I miss your voice softly laced with sorrow,
Or how I could say "I'll see you tomorrow,"
Instead I say "Goodbye" to you,
As I stand over this casket of indigo blue,
That cradles your body in darkness and sleep,
I, being the one, who stands here to weep,
Stay low my dear, tread soft and light,
I'll love you forever, goodnight, goodnight

Plastic Prison

Somebody can you help me cuz I feel a little spent,

I've left myself again and I don't know where I went,

I ran into the blackness of the night in this drug-town city,

The pills they prescribed have failed to fill me,

I took my medicine with a spoonful of sugar like Mama said,

Felt fine when it went down and now I see instead,

That I've lost my freedom to a medicine bottle of sedating black magic,

That they tossed into my lap when I was wreaking too much havoc,

I've ripped the bones from beneath my filthy skin,

Trying to rid myself of all these bastardly sins,

That confound my brain in its drug-addicted haze,

Tell me, don't you get sick of being the rat in this maze?

They've pumped us full of pills & as far as I can see,

If they could they'd make us all walk around with IV's,

They just want us quiet and out of sight, out of mind,

As though we're delinquents who've committed some crime,

And they've made us a prison with a child-proofed cap,

A little orange bottle filled with a legal kind of smack,

That stupefies the mind and confuses the brain,

They've given us a label: "mentally insane",

Well three cheers for revenge of the sneakiest kind,

That drops into your stomach and snatches you from behind,

We'll never escape this black widow's web,

Oh it's 3pm, time to take our meds

Switching Identities

Hey I hate to bother you but could we trade places for a day?

So I can have my chance in life to obsess over shades of pink and grey,

You could see what its like to be insane in the brain,

& I can enjoy the small things like the smell of rain,

Your breakfast can be a handful of pills - red and green,

Have fun hallucinating and try not to scream,

You'll drool on yourself at some point, I'm sure,

Oh don't worry about the shaking, for that there's no cure,

I'll head off to this regular life,

No now don't do that, put down that knife,

No cutting or cursing, no overdosing or suicide,

You get to suffer all day, besides, I never got to die,

Now I'm off to work your job and enjoy what you can do,

Without having to take a Vistaril or two,

Now you stay here in this house all afternoon and night,

I'll be back by morning light,

No you can't go out and have fun with the world,

Can't you see I'm not that kind of girl?

Today I am you and you are me,

Now you are going to see,

What it's like to live in the prison of my mind,

Have fun being depressed and falling behind,

If you get manic or crazy, no shopping spree's are allowed,

At least you'll be happy, you'll be floating on clouds,

Now sit here and babble until tomorrow comes around,

Try not to crawl and froth at the mouth,

Bedtime's at 10 and your meds are at 9,

I'll see you later, I'm off to have a good time!