Drugged up Rantings...

I stare at it from across the bedsheets,
They are crumpled from your haste exodus
from the bed of my life (our life)
...I smooth them over. Think feebly to myself,
that if I can smooth them enough, no one
will ever know you were here.

That your emotional fingerprint wont smudge my
existence too badly.
I know that's a lie.
You left your mark.

On my eye where you planted your fist
and my mouth that you chewed raw,
dry and caked with your crusted saliva
that slopped off of your tongue like it was
a wet toad.

You left it on my heart that broke into pieces
and shattered the ice of my wrist that bled,
like war wounds into the wash basin...

You left your mark, you son of a bitch...

I stare at it, still.
Remembering the times you twirled me around in public,
screaming to the universe that you adored me,
that I was the only thing you would ever love,
and I remember smiling. Not the fake "church smile" or
"funeral smile" or "I'm F.I.N.E." smile...but a real one.
One that slipped onto my face with such ease I thought
it was just a dream. It could never be real.
I wish, now, that it had been just a dream.
I wish you were nothing more than too much to drink one night...

I sit - stupefied in my chair, pills kicking in,
mind checking out. I sit.

Waiting for them to say that on that summery
afternoon, a mere inches from jumping into life with you,
that I didn't find what I always prayed I wouldn't.
Not that...please? Anything but that...
Don't make me be the failure-esque, insufficient one again... please...

I waited for your call. For you to swing open
the door with sunflowers in hand, smiling that smile,
the way you used to be...and take me away.
Not to somewhere fantastical - just to somewhere
where we could be forever.

Now - tonight - I sit staring...

Six months - six months to the date and
I find myself swallowing the barrell of a gun.
The pills have numbed me to the core. I feel nothing except
the desire for it all to be over.

I pull - - - & see your smile...

It isn't real...I know I'm dying...

But then again, it was never real
and this is as close as I have ever been
to being lost in paradise...

My heart is broken...

Sad

Your lips mouthed words, no louder than a gentle hush,

That floated on crisp, October air, the way a leaf falls to

chilled earth,

Signaling it's grotesquely beautiful demise...

I only wish I had known that your words would be the end of me....

You smiled - the most beautiful, lovely, precious smile I had ever seen,

Enrapt with the twirl of your wrist, the sparkle in your eyes, the scent of you,

I always loved falling in love, but, when you hit stone rock below,

You wonder why you didn't at least take a peek on the way down,

October saw our confluence,

November - I was so sick you couldn't leave my side,

I remember thinking that I would pay you back for your kindness,

I paid a heaftier price than I should have...

December - we smiled for cameras, snogged beneath mistletoe, made batches of warm, gooey baked things that stuck to your teeth and melted in your mouth, and...

January - it got colder and colder still...

February - you spent the night with me on my birthday at the home of my best friend,

only to turn around, and let me wander aimlessly the next day on yours

...You thanked me for not coming with you...and as those words floated as softly on the air as your "hello"...my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces.

March - March was horrid. The death threats, the wishing of my demise, telling me I was a big fat bitch, telling me I was nothing without you...that my family preferred you, that my beloved Kristie preferred you...

I almost believed you...almost...

April - Was the worst...

May- we bought an apartment in the hopes that we could start fresh. You swore you loved me. Really - you just finally realized how badly you had jaded me, I think.

June - there she was. Nothing like me, nothing like you. She made no sense. THIS made no sense. Why her? Why of all people - HER? She "made you feel loved" and you were "over me" and...

....and my heart broke....

I haven't remembered much since then.

The sound of my soul crashing into the dirt.

The tangy metallic scent of blood on the air.

The moment I realized that I would never see your smile again.

We would never be....anything...again....

Why?



Beyond You

"Look at me, my depth perception must off again. Cuz this hurts deeper than I thought it did. It has not healed with time. It just shot down my spine. You look so wonderful tonight. Reminds me how you laid us down and gently smiled before you destroyed my life. Would you find it in your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?"
- Saliva 'Rest in Pieces'


Did you ever think, love, that
you would have left me this way?
That you would have cracked the top of my
mind like an egg, sank your fingers within the
shard-like shell, and ripped me open til' my
yolky heart was oozing onto the floor?

I didn't...

I saw us happy, smiling in
pictures lined with white tulle and
sparkling dreams that sat upon my
finger, screaming to the rest of the world
that I was loved forevermore.

What lies I bought...

You ripped from me my sanity, my
humanity, my freedom, my soul...
and you managed to leave me in the night for
some belligerent shrew of a woman -
who didn't want you either in the end.

I hope you sit alone at night,
and remember that we could have been
wonderful together.

That we could have had it all...
Well...that you could have had it all - I still will.


Someday you're going to see me, walking
down the road somewhere, talking to someone
wonderful, with sparkling dreams on my finger
again - and I hope you remember, that it could have been
you.

You wanted someone else, wanted someone happier
because you made me so sad that my smile wouldn't
glimmer anymore - it was shrouded with sorrow.
But when you see me - I will smile brighter than I ever have
before.

I will be everything that I ever wanted to be
and everything that you would have never helped
me to become.

But moreover - I will be flawlessly loved.
Deeply, madly, truly, amazingly - and I
will glow with that love.

You dimmed my light so that yours would shine brighter
but now I am polishing you away from my skin.
Smoothing out my wrinkles, scrubbing off the dirt
from where you thrust me to the ground, smiled at me,
and wished me dead.

You'll be sorry, baby.
I'll see to that.

After all, my mother always said, "Living well is the best revenge."

You must have smiled at her,
The smile I always thought was meant for me,
Must have laced your fingers into the web of her hair,
Must have poisoned her mind with your venomous lies,
You must have caressed her,
Palms splayed like stars,
Spanning the breadth of her skin,
Yes, yes...
You must have done all of those things,
When you smiled,
She must have smiled back,
Must have woven magic into your brain,
Must have smelled the way you always swore that I did,
Intoxicating you,
Bewitching you,
Did I not enchant you anymore, love?
Was I, once again, never good enough?
Did my eyes no longer hold beauty?
Did my smile no longer light up my face?
Did my hands feel cold?
Did my kiss feel numb?
Was I no longer the muse?
Or did I touch a place too painful in you?
Did I break the scab of a wound that gushed fear?
Did I get too close for comfort baby?
Since you were going to leave me for the ugliest whore on the corner,
I hope that I did...
I hope I broke something within your soul that can never be fixed,
For love,
You have done the very same to me...

Empty Eyes

You stare at them with your empty eyes,
These stupid plastic spheres in your cranium,
Everyone says they're "beautiful"...
But you know what lies beneath their aqua sheen,
Beyond the thick, shimmery powder and black, cracking, crumbling goo-lined rims,
You started wearing it when you were young,
To "make you pretty..."
Then you grew up and took a long look at your insides,
Realized it would never happen,
You'd never be pretty,
Not really...

Somewhere....
You lost hope,
& now you wear it to detract from the violent sorrow,
That lies at the base of your person,
And somehow, no matter what, shines through your eyes,
It's a vacancy that reaches deep into the pit of your soul,
That pulls and sucks like a fucking black hole,
You're eating everything in sight with this vacuum in your heart,

Heart...what heart?
You haven't had one of those in years...
The hole has eaten that too,
It's going to continue eating you alive,
Until there's nothing left of you,

Nothing...
Except those stupid, fucking spheres in your dome...
Oh well,
People can at least keep the most aesthetically pleasing aspect of you,
Your empty, empty eyes...

Sarah II

Your ruby lips parted in devious malice,
To reveal the shine of your pearlescent smile,
That had always reminded me of the handle,
Of an ivory knife that held tight to your tongue-blade,
That was used to slit his throat,
Leaving him sputtering and dying in your hands,

You tilt back your mineralized osseous tissue skull,
Barely covered by the duvet of your flesh,
That hangs like draperies from your clinking-clanking salt-white bones,
As that fat, lying toad flops from beyond your teeth cage,
Where it should always stay until the end,
As you cackle madly like an old fish-wife,

Your words slide deep into his veins,
The way the needle slid into yours moments ago,
Injecting a sugary sweet neurosis into your soul,
That would eventually seep from the pores on your skin,
Causing you to smell of failure and desperation,
When you begin to withdraw,

How is it, succubus, that you live with yourself?
Do your stardust irises glitter with such magick in the cracked reflections,
That it bewitches even you into believing that there is something,
Anything,
Left to love about you?
For if so - it lies...

Your vapid skull bleeds thoughts from your ears,
Flowing down your throat where hands should choke the life from you,
The way you choked the life from him,
When you wound your words around his veins,
& tugged with all the strength you could muster,
Leaving his innards strewn far beyond,
The pale, white flesh,
That had been severed from your own...

Trip Down Memory Lane

Crickets chanted our names in perfect unison,
The night we laid quiet as dead lovers in the dark,
Bleeding limbs sprawled like our drenched and soapy hair,
Wide and open across your pillowtop bed,
I am sure to the innocent passerbyer -
We looked like the corpses of octopus,
Tentacles winding in and around,
Twisting the remainder of life from our souls,
Our Klonopin & wine cocktail had proven to be,
Most destructive to us both,
& to the universe,
By the blood slathered across the bathroom floor,
& cold spaghetti in the pot,
You babbled incoherently to me in the black,
Mouth, nothing more than a flopping, snapping mandible,
& I, I was nothing more than an empty shell,
Between the pills and the bottles of sparkling white & red,
The edge of my vision decided to bend and blur,
Meshing everything into something and then nothing at all,
Ghosts chattered, demons scaled the walls,
& skeletons fell out of the closet,
I gripped onto something in the dark,
Once Wonderland turned evil,
& I, Alice, submerged deeper that night into my rabbit hole,
Than ever before,
Your breathing stilled to a steady, soft pace,
Mouth slightly ajar as you quickly fell into a deep, comatose sleep,
Or passed out,
Whichever,
I rolled to face the amethyst curtains,
Glowing from what I thought was the moonlight,
But maybe I was hallucinating again,
I made a mental note to take an extra Geodon when the sun came up,
Not that the medication ever did me any good,
Ah, yes, better than acid, this,
As if Satan himself had shoved a magic mushroom down our throats,
& we were on a rollercoaster trip that seemed like it would never end,


But I digress,
These roadtrips down memory lane come at the strangest times,
Like now, sitting here at my desk, in my job that I have actually managed to keep,
The job I never thought my once sick self would have,
With the man I never thought I would be worthy enough to find,
In the life I never thought I would appreciate,
But I guess,
That sometimes things twist just to suprise you,

The End...