Supernova

From beneath the thick, velvet blackness,

Came a dot of sparkling, effervescent white,

So small at first, then slowly building, like an orgasm,

A supernova of the mental stability in my mind,

This brilliant blinding light,

As if I had made a bed beneath the surface of the sun,

It's rays, the recalcitrant sheets that wind around my body,

Blistering my sanity and boiling down my judgement,

Into a black and charred oil, cooked too long and perfumed like mania,

I am bubbling at the highest concentration of myself,

Fiery orange and red flick like flaming tongues from my sockets,

Eyes melting away into nothing,

I am glittering and burning alive like Alice in her Wonderland,

This intoxicating acid trip in my mind has rendered me unconscious to reality,

The world now nothing but high-frequency sounds and vibrations,

That shake me to my core, as the secrets of life wind,

Like tiny tendrils within my soul and become as clear to me,

As the crystalline creatures in my dream world where I now spin,

Madly out of control until the sickeningly sweet chemical of silence,

Is injected into my dry rotting veins and I am given a healthy dose of reality yet again,

Ah how sweet it is, this manic madness that adores to torment me...

The Ugly Thing You've Come To Be

No one can stand to look at her,

Now a dying shell of her former self,

Once like all the other happy little girls that swayed to music in the summer sun,

Catching fireflies,

Once enraptured by the sparklers that left smokey imprints of a name,

Or the airplanes that flew to magical lands that she always wanted to see,

Now she is decaying from the inside out,

Pouring an infectious pus from gangrene wounds that lay quietly beneath the surface,

She is bleeding on the dancefloor, hurting out loud,

But they all turn as if they cannot hear her,

Drowning out her sorrow, her screams,

Hoping one day she will "snap out of this",

So she sits, alone, with the darkness - her only friend,

Places the long, slender, sterling blade upon her flesh,

Its creamy, steam-softened delicate surface,

With the little veins trapped below like prisoners behind a wall of fleshy glass,

And presses,

Dragging it slowly across the skin she hates so well,

It tears open to reveal blood and bone,

The fabric of her being,

& with perfect disgust in her eyes,

She realizes now,

That no one will ever hear the blood-curdling screams that erupt,

Black-tainted from her tortured soul,

But the noose it gives, and the overdose fails,

The river is too warm, and the oven isn't gas,

The razor is too dull, and the house is too small,

But the gun, yes, the gun,

It is loaded,

So up the stairs she runs, as quiet as can be,

Hoping no one hears, & they don't,

Gripping with trembling hands, her cure for living,

& scribbles down a note...

" With burning eyes and a sweat-stained brow, I say goodnight, goodnight to you all..."

....click.....click......BOOM.......

Post-Suicide Letter #2

I saw you in your kitchen,

I knew why you were there,

The only one who loved me,

The only one who cared,

I saw the cocktail of drugs,

Resting neatly in your palm,

Screamed at you to stop this madness,

But you were too far gone,

I watched you take them all,

With a bottle of Merlot,

Saw the razor glide through your tender flesh,

Through the little Sapphire veins below,

Watched you stagger, drunkenly,

Into a shower hot and steamy,

Hang yourself upon the pipe above,

Your eyes growing dark and sleepy,

I watched your face grow pale and cold,

While my own was drenched in tears,

I would have saved you if I could,

If you would have only known I was near,

When your breathing stilled to nothing,

Your heart it ceased to beat,

I watched you step out of your shell,

You looked like you were finally at peace,

But when I spoke your name,

You didn't see me or the skies of blue,

Instead you wandered off into the shadowy realm,

& that's where I've followed you to,

I'm trying so hard to reach you,

Only letters can I send,

Perhaps this is how we will communicate,

Until the end of the very end....

Why Why Why?

"Why?" you ask me,
Over milky warm tea late one night,
Staring into my eyes as though you could ever truly see my soul,

"I don't know..." I lie,
Staring back into your hazel eyes and glimmering halo,
Bitter and vexed,
Figuring, hoping, pleading - that you would be the one to understand,
The one to grasp the heady glass of wine,
That is my madness and partake with me,

Yet again, I find, that you are cut from a different cloth,
Like the rest,
You always question, question, question,
Lie to yourself and beg from me answers to questions,
Which you already are fully aware of,

I replace the tea with a whiskey and watch you grimace,
Wondering how I could ever tolerate a burn that intense,
Forgetting, I believe,
That not too long ago - you partook of my infection in a likewise manner,

Perching myself upon my cherry colored throne,
The whiskey burning its way through my veins,
Coursing through, numbing the other, more deadly infection,
That threatens to consume me entirely and swallow me whole,
I listen as you ramble on and on and on and on and.....

"Do you know what I mean?" you say,
Loud voice shattering my blissful booze-infiltrated fantasy,
I nod, "Yes, yes I do...."
A smile - I'm safe,
You kiss my cheek, teeter off to bed again,
I head for my dungeon of self-inflicted torture,
Pull out the blade and slice until the blood oozes redemption,
The sweetest redemption that one could ever truly know,
& smile ...

"This is why..." I whisper, knowing you will never hear ...

Triple Suicide

My veins are finally dripping themselves dry,

& I can almost see the other side,

I'm almost free from my evil mind,

I'm leaving this hellish asylum behind,

Where they locked me away for going insane,

From fighting the realities of the ritualistic mundane,

I found out my bedsheets would rip easily in two,

& the pipe in the ceiling is where I tied them to,

Lunchtime was as pleasant as it could be,

I stole the head Nurse bitch's keys,

Went into the breakroom when no one was around,

Rummaged and searched and finally found,

A knife with edges that were beautifully serrated,

& A bottle of Xanax to make me perfectly sedated,

Then I scrambled back to my padded little room,

Counted my pills - there were fifty-two,

Gulped them down all in a single swallow,

Finally thankful there's no miserable tomorrow,

Double checked my noose to make sure it would hold,

Placed it on my throat and dreamed of going home,

Sat for a second and admired the glittering blade,

Slit from elbow to wrist & things began to fade,

Kicked the chair out from under me and felt the noose pull,

I think I hear them coming but it'll be too ......

Mixed Bipolar Disorder

I'm picking life apart,

Ripping myself to shreds,

A tug of war between light and dark,

This ugly fued within my head,

Sunny dispositions,

Fly around inside my mind,

Then the darkness rips me away,

One mile at a time,

I'm a thousand miles per hour,

Tree leaves glitter in the sun,

Then the world takes a nasty turn,

& to my bed I run,

Hideous monsters crawling,

Up my walls and into bed,

Blood running down my wrists,

God I wish that I were dead!

No!

I'm so fucking happy!!

Life is beautiful, is it not?

I want to live forever in this wonderland,

As my brain continues to rot,

Unicorns dance above me,

My closet grows a set of wings,

Glitterized and technicolored,

I think I want to sing!

Im exhausted and energized,

Everything and its opposite,

I run and dance and sing and play,

& then I stop and sit...

For hours and hours on end,

Debating how to end my life,

& just when I go to grab the blade,

I realize I love this life!

Make this madness stop!

Make my mind snap so I can be free,

Because I can't live in this tilt-a-whirl,

Being ripped to and fro every minute it seems,

I'm up & down & all around,

Black & white & rainbow,

My mind is ripping me apart from myself,

Constantly stopping just to get up and go, go, GO!!

I'm ready to rip my brain out,

Ready to end it all,

But first I'll go to the nuthouse,

See if they can help at all,

Give me little candy pills,

Give me electroshock, please!

Just make my brain make up it's mind,

Or out of sanity's realm let it leave...

Flying High

I'm sitting high above the city streets,
Far away from where you could ever reach,
The wind blows cold and colder in my face,
Stained with tears that have fallen into perfect place,
I see the top of the world above,
Where I always thought I'd have everything I want,
The office at the top of the tower of gold,
Children and a little dog at home,
But now I see how it will never be,
And more tears fall down far to where I'll soon be,
If they could all only see me now,
They would know I was serious somehow,
Instead they sit safe, alone at home,
Drowning out the great unknown,
& I'm on top of this ledge of ivory,
Standing tall for everyone to see,
A stirring down below attracts a crowd,
& I know they've finally found me out,
I hear sirens, the screaming of my impending fate,
& noone down there even knows my name,
Look at me, you can't ignore me now at all,
Watch me fly to death, watch me fall