Sunday, November 25, 2012

An Artists View on Heartbreak

"I'm sorry...Nothing can hold me...Do you really want me? I adore you still. But I hear them calling...calling...and nothing can hold me..." Evanescence "Swimming Home"

I've been so lost beneath the surface
of my own skin, waiting, waiting, waiting
to hear you call to me once more,
Pull me past the watery reflection of my eyes
that seem, to most, to go on for miles inside
my head,
Nothing can hold me here anymore, though,
I've finally let myself grab onto the truth -
nothing more than a simple pair of rusted pliers,
used to pull out the shards of your lies from
my heart,
The one that used to beat for you, and you alone..
But I heard my name from somewhere
far beyond and darling, it was not your voice,
the one that used to be melodic to me,
used to lull me into the most wonderful sleep
while lost in your arms, surrounded by
your soothing body heat,
But I finally learned to sleep alone
and in the cold, and darling, that's alright,
Because if I cannot learn to love myself, you said,
I would never love anything else,
You were right,
I am finding that you were right on
plenty of issues that no one else
even saw,
I wonder, though, what you saw in me...
there...there at the very last...
Did you see my desperation?
Did you peel the masque from
my face one night as I slept, soundly
and safe, in your arms,
You know I adore you still,
But this voice, love, it keeps hollering
out my name, all hours of the day and night,
and it smells of places unseen and experiences that
I am letting slip through my grasp,
All because you decided to break our bond
of trust and shove the tiny shards deep into
my already broken heart,
& darling, removing them takes time,
but I'm finally making some progress,
& from the depth of my soul, where
I've spent so many months staring at the water's
surface far above - wishing someone would come
and find me,
A trapped mermaid in this rusted cage of your "love"
and let me out, I am beginning to pick the lock
Because Prince Charming cannot swim,
Cannot dive into the depths of one's humanity
and release them from a self-constructed cage,
especially while they sit within that cage and hold the key around
their bruised throat,
I changed down here, love,
I am not myself, or the self that you knew, or the self that I was
or the self that I hated,
I am evolving like Darwin's theory and am slowly adapting
my emotional genetics so that someday, someday
I can pull these keys from my throat, unlock my cage,
and swim out the door,
& I will rise, someday, to the surface,
& when I break through it, I will break through
everything that kept me bound by you,
I thought you were going to be my everything,
my only one, my soulmate, my eternity,
Had dreams of us sitting upon a lovely porch
swing in our golden years, drinking tea and
talking of our life together, you & I,
But some dreams are not meant to be
and there is nothing we can do to change that,
So we lock ourselves away inside,
trapped, only mentally, by the hauntings in our mind,
the terror and trauma of abandonment,
the loss of a dream that we desperately pursued,
and we wait, beneath our skin...waiting...
Until one day we realize that we held
the clay from that dream in our hands the
entire time,
and only we can set fire to it, purify it
like gold, and reconstruct another
dream, until it's finally able to stand the
test of fire, able to be painted, glossed,
turned into something beautiful,
Because that's what artists do - we
take our broken pieces and assemble them
into something already good, and make it
We are the life-givers to a million
dreams, hopes, plans, desires, passions,
and we never discard any piece of material,
because, just what if it is THE piece left to finish
our greatest work of all...
So darling, I don't dare discard your memory,
or hate it, despise it...
I just keep it in a box and hope that someday I will
find the canvas upon which to attach it - making
my greatest work: life...

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