Glitterized Sterling

*This was written after a very bad breakup*

My liquid dreams surround me,
Swallowing my conscience whole in this tub of cimson water,
That stings the yellowed bruises that you have left upon my flesh once more,
The memory of a sterling glitter bashes the backs of my eyes,
Reminding me that you cant hurt me anymore darling,
I am drifting softly away from you upon the wings of eternity,


& in the other room,
You, so enveloped in your technicolor world,
Overdosing on the sheer expanse of time spent there,
So perfectly unaware of my impending departure,
Thanks to your self-injected brain rot,
& I, smiling weakly to myself,
Recall my reasons for leaving this hellish place once more,


For it was that lovely golden afternoon,
With pages of hope for the future,
& you, coming home, to press your angry prints upon my skin,
Smudging your memory so blatantly upon the slate of my life,
As a perfect reminder,
A reminder as to why you will always have domination over me,
Why you will always crumple my plans for hope,
Before I have even scribbled them down on the napkin yet,


So I have taken this ripe opportunity to escape you,
You and your filthy imprints that never stop ruining my life,
& I've placed the tip of the blade on my wrist, love,
Upon those ugly, yellowed bruises you left for me there,
& have smeared prints of my own upon myself,

As a reminder,
A perfect reminder,
Of how I got away from you, dear,
Here in this steamy, dreamy, crimson bathwater...

Death

*This was written during a psychotic episode*

Death,
Dearest friend of mine for so long,

Why are you watching my untimely demise?

As I shatter the pale & icy flesh of my wrists,

Splintering the tiny indigo branches trapped below,

You gaze on into an eternity that I can only dream about,

I have drawn this ending in storybook fashion,

My pen, the tip of this blade,

As it glides from page to page like streaming blood from one precious wound,

One perfectly placed cherry sash,

Wrapped around my storybook in dignified array,

Reminding all those who touch it, why it is so short,

The slow drip-drip has finally given way to the constant spray,

Of my red-hot passion as it drips slowly and happily,

Into a basin of warm water at my side,

But soon, Death,

You will be the only one to hear it,

For I am slipping under the surface of consciousness,

Down deep into the muffled hum of eternal sleep,

Thoughts evade my troubled mind,

Relief, sincerely sought after, found at last!

& I can feel nothing but your arms around me, as we slip off into that eternity,

That I could only ever dream about, until now...

Death,

Dearest friend of mine for so long,

Why did you watch my untimely demise?

For Kristie

O twilight child, starry-eyed wonderer of life and light,
who breathed deeply that same sterile air as I
in that long and empty corridor where the white coated man
slipped us our slow working, nightly dose of rat poison
and the mouth of she, the utterly insane, babbled incoherently of Jesus
and his mother Mary all night long.
Slapping gum like a tired old cow
mouthing fodder in between her razor teeth.
Your wild-eyed, barely there stare
enchanted me, as I had seen your version of madness
quite well before,
looking back at me in my looking glass at home,
when my face melted into a bloody pool while
trying desperately to apply my mascara.
While walking the halls of the madhouse,
this asylum bursting at the seams with the cracked,
crushed, shattered and hollow folk that came and left,
still bleeding to death on the white linoleum floors.
"Off to another asylum," some said. "Off to my home," said others.
And they released them back into the world as they slit their
wrists, while walking out the deadbolted door.
In and out in two days and it was enough time to meld our
souls together forever as sisters.
O twilight child, starry eyed wonderer of light and life,
sometimes, you are, my saving grace.

The Most Recent Stay at the Bates Motel

Walking through the damning doors,
Kept locked with pad and key,
I look at you, you smile back,
You seem so happy to see me,
You welcome me to this awful place,
Rotting deep within the bowels of hell,
But to be honest dear, I know the truth,
This hospital is the Bates motel,
You'll stab me with your shiny needles,
Suck the blood from inside of my veins,
Force pill after pill on down my throat,
While my soul is soaked with pain,
You'll suck me dry and medicate me up,
So I don't make a sound,
And if I do you'll take me to,
The room where straps and chains abound,
The sun it never shines in here,
At least not in the mind of the insane,
Not unless you're manic that is,
Then you'll get a Haldol shot to the brain,
The other patients stare empty-eyed at me,
As you walk me to my room,
Some are drooling upon themselves,
Others are babbling on about impending doom,
Clean white sheets on a sterile, empty bed,
Are the only welcoming sight to me,
At least I can sleep until the meds wear off,
Such a ragged existence it seems,
Groups are at 12, 2, 4 and 6,
Dinner is at 8pm on the dot,
When you leave I place my few things,
Upon the empty, overbleached cot,
I pad on down the hallway,
Hoping this is my last hurrah here,
But the thought of my madness disturbs me until,
I realize I'll be back next year,
For this is the fate for the mentally ill,
This spare bed here at the Bates motel,
Time to get into the medication line,
& as they call my name out I whisper "Oh well..."

The Last Goodbye

I lie still and silent,

Six feet from the crumpled grass on which you stand,

Sobbing and sucking the tears down your throat,

Inhaling cold wind that is breaking your heart as though it were blown glass,

That in return is breaking mine as well,

Even though it has ceased to beat and thrive with life,

My breath has been caught by the skilled hand of death,

Pulled from between my frozen lips,

& Out of my petrified lungs,

Now, here I lay forever, beneath you,

Beneath your sobbing, shaking body that convulses,

Your soul twisting in on itself,

The way my soul twisted in on me in the last days that I breathed,

You curse the sky for taking me away,

Curse me for allowing it to do so,

& in through your tearful goodbye I whisper to you,

That I apologize fully,

But I had to protect you from me,

But I do not think you hear,

As you walk away, back into your life and leave me here,

To lie beneath nothing but the pellets of rain

Borderline Romance

I'm sitting high on rooftops,

So far away from you,

Staring with my vacant eyes,

Into rancid skies of blue,

Remember when you told me,

I was everything you could ever love?

Now that you are gone I spend my time,

Staring down the barrel of a gun,

I've never pulled the trigger,

Always hoped you'd call or write,

But I can see now that you never will,

So I won't make me go through another lonely night,

Twisted into the fetal position,

Laying mute atop my bed,

With nothing but the sound of your voice,

Haunting me inside my head,

I'll never know just why you left,

Never know what went so wrong,

So if you hate me as much as you said,

I wont have to know because I'll be gone,

I've pulled the trigger finally,

& flying off into rancid skies of blue,

I realize it was for the best,

I'm better off now without you

Haunted

Midnight,

You're standing at my bed again,

Whispering things I shouldn't listen to,

Telling me I should slit my wrist,

Saying it's something I must do,

You want to crawl inside my shell,

Once I am dead and gone,

Pick right up where I left off,

Inhabit my body once I'm gone,

You chatter on until morning light,

And I am drenched in tears,

You softly caress my swollen cheek,

Tell me to be silent so no one hears,

The sun is peeking through the trees,

Far off in the distant land,

I feel as though you've been here for moments,

In an hourglass, just drops of sand,

I get my children off to school,

You watch me from the shadowy place,

I can see you, you can see me,

Nothing is quite in place,

Once my family is gone for the day,

You come back to talk to me,

One perfectly placed slice is all you need,

Then you'll let me be,

I'm tired of your chatter,

Tired of your endless hounding,

The idea of being away from you,

Becomes better and better sounding,

So I make my trip to Walgreens,

Buy the little silver squares,

Wondering all the while why I'm doing this,

I guess because no one cares,

I tell them that you harass me,

Tell them I'm a little bit unwell,

But they just smile and nod again,

Say I'm doing better than I can tell,

The water in the bathtub,

Is starting to fill up high,

If I can't beat you at your senseless game,

I'll fly off into the sky,

Where you can never touch me,

Can't pester me anymore,

Can't tell me that I'm useless,

Can't call me a filthy whore,

The bubbles look so enticing,

The candles lit set the perfect atmosphere,

I guess this was my destiny,

In a way it was always clear,

That I am not meant to be here really,

The madness was my warning,

Now you've come to take me over,

I'm giving up this morning,

Going to let you have your way with me,

Going to let you finish me off,

No more telling my therapist of my hallucinations,

While behind her desk she scoffs,

The water is so soothing,

The blade is clean and sharp,

In my note I told them,

That I've died from a broken heart,

And a broken down mind,

So worn, but they'll never really know,

They never really wanted to accept it,

So I guess it's time to go,

The tip of the blade touches my wrist,

I press and watch it gape,

Hope to God I'll be forgiven,

And go to a better place,

I didn't know there would be such blood,

The water slowly turns red,

You're sitting on the side of the tub,

You simply nod your head,

I think the water is relaxing,

I'm slowly falling asleep,

Everything goes quiet,

As my wound continues to seep,

The blackness is all consuming,

Like the madness, I tried to hide it,

But now you're finally silent,

And I admit, I really like it