Saturday, May 15, 2010

Post-Suicide Letter #2

I saw you in your kitchen,
I knew why you were there,
The only one who loved me,
The only one who cared,
I saw the cocktail of drugs,
Resting neatly in your palm,
Screamed at you to stop this madness,
But you were too far gone,
I watched you take them all,
With a bottle of Merlot,
Saw the razor glide through your tender flesh,
Through the little Sapphire veins below,
Watched you stagger, drunkenly,
Into a shower hot and steamy,
Hang yourself upon the pipe above,
Your eyes growing dark and sleepy,
I watched your face grow pale and cold,
While my own was drenched in tears,
I would have saved you if I could,
If you would have only known I was near,
When your breathing stilled to nothing,
Your heart it ceased to beat,
I watched you step out of your shell,
You looked like you were finally at peace,
But when I spoke your name,
You didn't see me or the skies of blue,
Instead you wandered off into the shadowy realm,
& that's where I've followed you to,
I'm trying so hard to reach you,
Only letters can I send,
Perhaps this is how we will communicate,
Until the end of the very end....

Why Why Why?

"Why?" you ask me,
Over milky warm tea late one night,
Staring into my eyes as though you could ever truly see my soul,

"I don't know..." I lie,
Staring back into your hazel eyes and glimmering halo,
Bitter and vexed,
Figuring, hoping, pleading - that you would be the one to understand,
The one to grasp the heady glass of wine,
That is my madness and partake with me,

Yet again, I find, that you are cut from a different cloth,
Like the rest,
You always question, question, question,
Lie to yourself and beg from me answers to questions,
Which you already are fully aware of,

I replace the tea with a whiskey and watch you grimace,
Wondering how I could ever tolerate a burn that intense,
Forgetting, I believe,
That not too long ago - you partook of my infection in a likewise manner,

Perching myself upon my cherry colored throne,
The whiskey burning its way through my veins,
Coursing through, numbing the other, more deadly infection,
That threatens to consume me entirely and swallow me whole,
I listen as you ramble on and on and on and on and.....

"Do you know what I mean?" you say,
Loud voice shattering my blissful booze-infiltrated fantasy,
I nod, "Yes, yes I do...."
A smile - I'm safe,
You kiss my cheek, teeter off to bed again,
I head for my dungeon of self-inflicted torture,
Pull out the blade and slice until the blood oozes redemption,
The sweetest redemption that one could ever truly know,
& smile ...

"This is why..." I whisper, knowing you will never hear ...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Triple Suicide

My veins are finally dripping themselves dry,
& I can almost see the other side,
I'm almost free from my evil mind,
I'm leaving this hellish asylum behind,
Where they locked me away for going insane,
From fighting the realities of the ritualistic mundane,
I found out my bedsheets would rip easily in two,
& the pipe in the ceiling is where I tied them to,
Lunchtime was as pleasant as it could be,
I stole the head Nurse bitch's keys,
Went into the breakroom when no one was around,
Rummaged and searched and finally found,
A knife with edges that were beautifully serrated,
& A bottle of Xanax to make me perfectly sedated,
Then I scrambled back to my padded little room,
Counted my pills - there were fifty-two,
Gulped them down all in a single swallow,
Finally thankful there's no miserable tomorrow,
Double checked my noose to make sure it would hold,
Placed it on my throat and dreamed of going home,
Sat for a second and admired the glittering blade,
Slit from elbow to wrist & things began to fade,
Kicked the chair out from under me and felt the noose pull,
I think I hear them coming but it'll be too ......

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mixed Bipolar Disorder

I'm picking life apart,
Ripping myself to shreds,
A tug of war between light and dark,
This ugly fued within my head,
Sunny dispositions,
Fly around inside my mind,
Then the darkness rips me away,
One mile at a time,
I'm a thousand miles per hour,
Tree leaves glitter in the sun,
Then the world takes a nasty turn,
& to my bed I run,
Hideous monsters crawling,
Up my walls and into bed,
Blood running down my wrists,
God I wish that I were dead!
I'm so fucking happy!!
Life is beautiful, is it not?
I want to live forever in this wonderland,
As my brain continues to rot,
Unicorns dance above me,
My closet grows a set of wings,
Glitterized and technicolored,
I think I want to sing!
Im exhausted and energized,
Everything and its opposite,
I run and dance and sing and play,
& then I stop and sit...
For hours and hours on end,
Debating how to end my life,
& just when I go to grab the blade,
I realize I love this life!
Make this madness stop!
Make my mind snap so I can be free,
Because I can't live in this tilt-a-whirl,
Being ripped to and fro every minute it seems,
I'm up & down & all around,
Black & white & rainbow,
My mind is ripping me apart from myself,
Constantly stopping just to get up and go, go, GO!!
I'm ready to rip my brain out,
Ready to end it all,
But first I'll go to the nuthouse,
See if they can help at all,
Give me little candy pills,
Give me electroshock, please!
Just make my brain make up it's mind,
Or out of sanity's realm let it leave...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Flying High

I'm sitting high above the city streets,
Far away from where you could ever reach,
The wind blows cold and colder in my face,
Stained with tears that have fallen into perfect place,
I see the top of the world above,
Where I always thought I'd have everything I want,
The office at the top of the tower of gold,
Children and a little dog at home,
But now I see how it will never be,
And more tears fall down far to where I'll soon be,
If they could all only see me now,
They would know I was serious somehow,
Instead they sit safe, alone at home,
Drowning out the great unknown,
& I'm on top of this ledge of ivory,
Standing tall for everyone to see,
A stirring down below attracts a crowd,
& I know they've finally found me out,
I hear sirens, the screaming of my impending fate,
& noone down there even knows my name,
Look at me, you can't ignore me now at all,
Watch me fly to death, watch me fall

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Anything is better than to be alone...

My mind has completely left me, I fear. I feel nothing except a foul-smelling panic that floats above my nostrils and below, stinking and suffocating me until I choke upon it. I know, now, why Sylvia Plath put her head in an oven. If she felt even a small bit of what I am feeling currently then she would know how horrid this existence is. I sliced my arm open last night. Oh, both legs also. I am slash ridden monster. I feel as though nothing is real and I am merely watching the world float by me. It is as though I have been cocooned within a marble globe that wraps itself around me, pulling me away into nothingness. I long for a bed. One that I never have to get out of again. I crave sleep. I am gulping it in hour long increments that are still never enough. I would head to the psychiatric hospital again, if only for the nice, long rest. I just need a break. A few golden days spent sleeping soundly would have me right as rain, I believe.

I am so very numb. So faithless. So hopeless. I feel nothing. My mind has vacated the vicinity of sanity. I keep thinking that if I could only close my eyes tightly enough, that the visions of the dead would go away. Last night was a bad night. I cant hold onto me, anymore. I will be so thankful once finals are over. I have lost it. I have completely lost it. Once finals are over, I may very well check myself into Wishard. Nobody needs to know where I am. It's been almost 3 years since my last psychotic snap. I believe I have done very well. My mother thinks the devil is out for me. I know he is. It seems as though everything that can go wrong to stress me out here of late, has. I feel like a failure. I feel like a fat pig. I feel like a flop. I am lost. I am depressed. I am suicidal. I am dead inside. I am just dead. Once the blanket is done drying, I can go to sleep! YAY! I need to sleep, I am exhausted! UGH! First final of the week tomorrow. It's Art Appreciation. I must do good at this. I must do perfectly. I can't let my mask crumble completely just yet. I just have to keep this up for a little while longer. Goodnight everyone.