Sunday, May 2, 2010

Anything is better than to be alone...

My mind has completely left me, I fear. I feel nothing except a foul-smelling panic that floats above my nostrils and below, stinking and suffocating me until I choke upon it. I know, now, why Sylvia Plath put her head in an oven. If she felt even a small bit of what I am feeling currently then she would know how horrid this existence is. I sliced my arm open last night. Oh, both legs also. I am slash ridden monster. I feel as though nothing is real and I am merely watching the world float by me. It is as though I have been cocooned within a marble globe that wraps itself around me, pulling me away into nothingness. I long for a bed. One that I never have to get out of again. I crave sleep. I am gulping it in hour long increments that are still never enough. I would head to the psychiatric hospital again, if only for the nice, long rest. I just need a break. A few golden days spent sleeping soundly would have me right as rain, I believe.

I am so very numb. So faithless. So hopeless. I feel nothing. My mind has vacated the vicinity of sanity. I keep thinking that if I could only close my eyes tightly enough, that the visions of the dead would go away. Last night was a bad night. I cant hold onto me, anymore. I will be so thankful once finals are over. I have lost it. I have completely lost it. Once finals are over, I may very well check myself into Wishard. Nobody needs to know where I am. It's been almost 3 years since my last psychotic snap. I believe I have done very well. My mother thinks the devil is out for me. I know he is. It seems as though everything that can go wrong to stress me out here of late, has. I feel like a failure. I feel like a fat pig. I feel like a flop. I am lost. I am depressed. I am suicidal. I am dead inside. I am just dead. Once the blanket is done drying, I can go to sleep! YAY! I need to sleep, I am exhausted! UGH! First final of the week tomorrow. It's Art Appreciation. I must do good at this. I must do perfectly. I can't let my mask crumble completely just yet. I just have to keep this up for a little while longer. Goodnight everyone.


  1. I know you will be able to keep it together at least a few more days. Even though you have lost faith in yourself I have not lost faith in you. Just try to keep your head up and not think at all. I loves you.

  2. Thank you. I loves you too! <3