Wednesday, September 16, 2009

City Lights

City lights have always kept me mezmerized. I'm obsessed with getting away into the city. I want to live in a penthouse loft with an absolutely perfect view of the city skyline. All of those beautiful buildings. At nighttime is when I find them in their most exquisite state. Almost hyptnotizing all lit up like that. They put me in mind of a million cliches. Diamonds in an engagement ring, stars in the sky, lights on a Christmas tree...I am obsessed. I've never been fond of Indiana. It's corn fields and WalMarts. There's too many bums and ghetto drug addicts around here. I want something more. Something more beautiful. Something more expensive. More tasteful. More elegant. Something less hickville and more Hollywood. More anything. I absolutely hate this place.

I used to dream of a love that would surpass any wealth I could ever have. Once I realized that that love wasn't real, I began to dream of a wealth that would usurp that missing love. If I couldn't have one, I at least wanted the other. Love or Money...what a pair!

So nowadays I'm dreaming of diamonds, little black dresses, chic martini lounges and penthouse lofts. But most of all I'm dreaming of those city lights. I want a metropolitan lifestyle. I always have, I just never knew what it was called. I want clean lines, wood, stone, and leather, rich colors and deep glasses of wine that never end. I want shallow summers and deep, meaningful holidays. I want sunshine and snow and rain and wind. I want everything I can get. I feel like a hungry vampire and I can never get enough blood. But my blood is escaping from this hellhole. I crave it like I crave air when suffocated. Mostly because I feel suffocated. I feel like I'm dying. I've always wanted to get the hell out of here. I want a way out of this life and I have searched for that backdoor out of here for years but now I see that the only way out is up. Climbing the corporate ladder is the only way out of this place. Money is the key to any door and every heart.

I'm tired of being referred to as "the poor girl who can't afford anything"...

They have all upset me now. I loathe being referred to as poor. I realize I'm lower income than most and that I'm without employment right now. I know that no one understands that I cannot work and hold a job at the same time because it's difficult. I'll show them all up one day, though. I'll be the wealthiest person in this family. I won't be the "poor granddaughter/daughter/cousin/sister" etc etc...

People will be coming to me to ask for a loan. I'll have enough money to give it to them too. I'll have enough money to never ask for it back. I'll be generous with it. I'll be the perfect person. Wealthy, beautiful, and smart. That's what I've always wanted to be. I just want to be lovable. But if I can never be that, then I just want city lights to get lost in...

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